Marriage and the family stand at the heart of God’s relational order. We can all testify to the reality that when marriages and families flourish, the whole community benefits. This should be no surprise to us as our Creator designed it to be so. As a result, the covenant promise made between a husband and wife is to be celebrated, esteemed and nurtured. It not only reflects the covenant love of God, and is an image of the relationship between Christ and the church.
At the same time, within God’s relational order, dignity, worth and esteem is given to those who are unmarried. This is not an add-on by the Creator, but also within His perfect will for His people. Indeed, the reality is that all of us live through different seasons of singleness – the not-yet married, the never married, the divorced, the widowed. Yet I wonder which status is nurtured and celebrated more in our church communities?
Losing sight of God's purposes?
Do we give the impression that those who are married are ‘sorted’ and singles are at a loose-end waiting to get caught up in their ‘happily ever after’? In a sex-saturated culture, do we assume that sexual abstinence is an unfair and an unrealistic expectation and therefore all singles must be miserable and sexually frustrated? If so, it seems we have lost sight of not only the meaning and purpose of singleness, but also the meaning and purpose of marriage, and how both are to be understood in light of the character and purposes of God. We are also in danger of being more concerned with securing personal happiness than relational holiness and wholeness.
I’m 39 and single. I recently returned to Northern Ireland after seven years in London – a full, rich and challenging season. On returning people ask about my relational status: “Have you met Mr. Right yet?” – with genuine interest and concern. Often seemingly overlooked is an appreciation for how being unmarried in this season has enabled me to devote myself to research and writing in a way that I could not have done if married or with children. This is not to say that being single does not have its sacrifices and challenges, but surely the same is true for those who are married. More openness around these challenges within our Christian community would help us to more fully understand and support one another.
Affirming the good gifts of God
I do not see my singleness as a problem to be fixed or a deficiency to be addressed. Instead, I want to continue to embrace the ‘gift’ that it is to the church and celebrate what it enables me to do and give.
So if you have a church group for couples and singles called ‘Pairs and Spares’ (they do exist!), it may be time to re-think your branding. Instead, we need to affirm that both marriage and singleness are good gifts of God to be used to reflect the character of God.
Glynn Harrison, in his book A Better Story, points out how single people bear witness to God’s faithful and passionate love: “They point to a future reality in which we shall all be single in terms of human relationships, but ‘married’ in terms of our relationship with the Divine.”
Surely this is the ‘happily ever after’ that we all need to get caught up in.
(This is an abridged version of an article in February’s Presbyterian Herald)
Olwyn Mark is Head of Research and Strategic Partnerships at Love for Life (www.loveforlife.org.uk).